Why is change so attractive and so scary at the same time?
hope Because we don't know what lies ahead. Full of light and hope. Full of darkness and fears.
For months now, I feel like I no longer belong where I am. It's not the first time it has happened but this time it's like a tsunami that is pushing me away from my situation. And it gets harder and harder to keep swimming and breathing properly. Some days, I'm drowning.
I want to quit my job and find more sense in the new one. But that means going back to school for many years.
I still wish things could turn better in a toxic relationship although I know it is over for months and nothing can be fixed now.
why am I still in this while I want to travel and discover new cultures,
Want a brand new environment to start over,
Want to love me enough to enter a healthy relationship?
I thought at first that I did not understand my fear of change, but it came to me that what scares me the most is that in the state of change I don't have any control. Things just flow.
I believe control makes me safe. I know it's just an illusion because, in the end, this is the fact of holding on so tight to the past and my known habits that occurs me anxiety and prevents me to change my current situation which no longer serves me in the right way.
My fear of change wants me to believe I am in the right place. It wants me to believe that I don't know who I am or what I want so that change is not necessary. that's wrong. Deep down I know. My heart knows the path I'm on is not the right one. No longer the right one. fears built a wall inside my head to make me think I'm not brave enough to be able to realize my dreams and aspirations.
Most of the time I'm angry at myself for not being capable to experiment with new things, to meet new people "just" because of my anxiety. And sometimes I tend to be desperate and feel like it will never change.
But I know it will, I know it has already changed in the past. I'm not the one I used to be. There is a light when I'm on the right path. Right here, in my heart.
It just takes time to accept to follow the new path which is meant for the new me. In order to bloom, the flower has to fade.
We live through cycles.
I overcame so many things in my life but this new change seems to be the one I can't face because I guess this is the one I really need... I just want to embrace change with confidence!
This change will make my life different. Like a reset.
If you are a 90s child, you can visualize my thought like this: New me, new home, new city, family far away.
I have to do this change alone and my fears make me think that I will always be alone then and won't be able to make new friends... But no!
If I do it, I'm afraid this decision eventually becomes a mistake because based on illusions of a better life somewhere else.
But if I don't try, I know I will regret it all my life because I will stay in a "what if" state of mind.
In the end, after having written down all of this, I think I can conclude that in my point of view, it's better to experiment and to say "yeah, it did not work out" (but it could work out fine!!) than being stuck in dreamscapes and having the impression that my life has passed without being a full part of it. Life is too short and I no longer want to spend it as a spectator even if that means I'll have to face and overcome my fears to dare live the life I've always wanted. The best thing to do to achieve my goals is to go step by step and be proud of every inch I make each day.
Hope this article helped you!